You're stuck. You couldn't have ever imagined this would be you. You and your boyfriend have been dating for longer than you care to admit. You waited patiently for months for him to pop the all important question and present you with a breathtaking diamond engagement ring, but the wait isn't over yet, is it? He seems no closer to proposing today than he was on your first date. It's frustrating. It's disheartening and it's confusing. If he loves you as much as he constantly claims he does why the resistance? Beyond that, what should you be doing? You've been toying with the idea of giving him an ultimatum. You're thinking that since he's withholding the one thing you really want which is a committed future, you should play that game too and withhold the one thing he really wants. But is cutting off intimate contact really the way to get the wedding of your dreams?
Why an Ultimatum Won't Get You What You Want From Him
The moment a woman threatens her man with an ultimatum that is designed to get her a commitment, she can say goodbye to the dream of being his wife forever. Most men don't do well when they are cornered emotionally, particularly in relation to something as life changing as an engagement. If you tell your boyfriend that you aren't going to sleep with him until he becomes your fiancee, you may as well begin packing his things so you can ship him out of your life.
Men do things on their own schedule. It's the reason it takes a man three hours to take the trash out or six months to get a room painted. When they feel it's the right time to do something they will gladly do it. Hence the reason you haven't been sporting an impressive diamond ring on your finger yet. Your boyfriend isn't ready to ask you to be his wife, and removing sex from the equation certainly isn't going to speed him along.
What Happens When You Stop Having Sex with Him
If you follow through with your threat to not have sex with him until he proposes, he will deeply resent you. The same is true if you decide to go the more subtle approach and just stop sleeping with him in the hope that he'll suddenly wise up and realize that he's going to lose the closeness that you two share unless he decides it's time to become your better half.
Intimacy is a very important part of a relationship, particularly a relationship that you hope will result in a lifelong commitment. If you remove physical intimacy from the equation you can expect emotional intimacy to collapse as well.
Your boyfriend will likely absorb your refusal to sleep with him (be it an all out “no” or a more simplistic approach such as “I have a headache”) as a personal affront. He'll be desperately hurt and it will create an emotional barrier between the two of you that will be very difficult for you to overcome.
Talk to Your Boyfriend About What You're Feeling
If you are indeed feeling less connected to him because you're hurt by the fact that he doesn't want to get married, tell him that. Explain that to you, physical and emotional intimacy are interwoven and since you feel rejected in a sense by his refusal to marry you, you're finding it harder to feel closer to him physically.
It's important to realize that men tend to see physical intimacy in a very different way than we do. They can separate the emotions from it and are more able to just enjoy sex for what it is physically.
If you calmly and compassionately explain that you're looking forward to living your life with him and that you feel uncomfortable continuing with intimacy without some sort of promise, expect him to be taken back. It's important that you don't tell him that you won't sleep with him until you're engaged. Be clear that you want to be intimate but it would hold more meaning if you two were on the path towards a more committed relationship.
Let him know that your needs and desires are just as important to you as his are to him and that you hope, in time, he'll see the future through the same eyes as you do.
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