Our Cultural (American) Myths of Passionate Love
1 factor of which I have been especially sensitive lately is the utter poverty of our American (Western?) myths and beliefs on enjoy relationships. As People, we are inundated – as a result of movies, advertising and marketing, new music and literature – that all that issues in a effective romance is “enjoy.”
For example, take the “Passionate Comedy.” Two people today, commonly incompatible in practically just about every way, meet less than much less than auspicious instances they slide madly in enjoy as a result of a collection of slapstick conflicts, and then someway magically reside happily at any time after. You will find no speak of economical issues, family members issues no dialogue of how their romance will provide society and so forth. It is really all about “enjoy”, romance, infatuation, sexual intercourse. Just about every conflict and incompatibility is experienced and fixed (commonly as a result of sexual intercourse) in the study course of two hours.
I feel that these types of a (mythic) image of romance is essentially unsafe to our romance results in the authentic planet. We mature up with this notion that any storm can be weathered, and issue conquer, if we merely “enjoy each other.” We scoff at individuals who say they married “for dollars,” or due to the fact “he has a superior occupation,” or due to the fact “she’s my ‘Sugar Momma,'” and so forth. Subtly, subliminally, virtually imperceptibly, we are brainwashed into believing that marriage primarily based on these types of criteria is base, vile, immoral.
Towards A “Philosophical Viewpoint” on Interactions
I recently been given hexagram #seven, THE Military, in link to a concern about my courting – and most likely marrying – an more mature woman. The line of textual content that rang a bell in my spirit states,
A additional philosophical level of see [on relationships] can do miracles at this time, whereas a concentrate on the additional eccentric elements of your relationships can lead you astray.
Non-Western Sights on Marriage and Interactions
I began imagining about how non-Western cultures handle the institutions of marriage and relationships. In particular, I assumed of Asian-Pacific Rim, Middle Jap, African and Indian cultures. In numerous of these cultures, arranged marriages are the norm, and have been for hundreds of years. The families’ primary thought is not “enjoy” in our Americanized, romanticized perception of the phrase. Instead, the primary criteria are affordable, familial and communal.
The people concerned are additional concerned with the financial viability of the romance, the profit the romance will provide to the people concerned, and the bigger purpose the romance will have in conditions of serving the community at big.
Following these questions are properly regarded as, only then do the topics of intimate enjoy and compatibility element in. And in numerous cases, intimate enjoy does not element into the selection at all.
How This All Relates to Hexagram #seven
As I weigh the professionals and downsides of my private romance, in the light-weight of Jap principles of enjoy and marriage, I get the following:
*Barbara (my girlfriend) is monetarily proven she has a household and is ready to permit me reside with her. At this time, I rent co-owning a household delivers me with assets I would not usually have, so benefiting me (at least if the authentic estate market in this region at any time enhances!) in the prolonged run.
*She also operates a business enterprise from her house I also have a business enterprise. We both equally have organizations. As a result, monetarily talking, a marriage provides hefty tax rewards for the both equally of us.
*The household is big enough for both equally of us to run our corporations out of. I at this time do not have the room in my condominium to seriously take my business enterprise to the next stage she does.
*She is superb at customer management and business enterprise growth these are not my strongest points. Thus, she can aid me with these important elements of developing my business enterprise.
*I excel in the technical, entrepreneurial and additional strategic elements of managing a business enterprise. These are not her potent points. Thus, I can aid her business enterprise, which in flip assists me. A mutally valuable business enterprise romance – as properly as enjoy romance – is undoubtedly a authentic probability.
*A marriage between us would imply that I would believe half her assets (specifically, the fairness of the household). This is a substantial profit. In flip, she would obtain half my assets, which correct now primarily contain occupation and insurance policy assets.
*Spiritually-talking, we both equally have a bigger vision of developing charitable foundations to profit the disadvantaged and both equally of us motivation to adopt a little one at some level in the potential – this also rewards society.
*Barbara, being substantially more mature, has knowledge I do not yet have. There is significantly I understand from her on virtually a every day foundation about crucial issues these types of as get the job done, business enterprise, finance, harmony, family members obligation, and so forth.
*Barbara’s health and fitness will probable commence to deteriorate prolonged right before mine I will nonetheless (hopefully) be younger enough and potent enough to take superior care of her, physically and monetarily, as she ages
*In limited, our blended assets and earnings are substantial professionals to our romance
*I fear that Barbara, being 20 yrs more mature, will be much less eye-catching to me as the yrs go by. She worries about this, too.
*I fear that, due to the fact of her age, I will not be in a position to cope with using care of her as her health and fitness deteriorates. (Of study course, this is primarily based on a projection that her health and fitness will commence to deteriorate when I am all over 50, in the golden yrs of my get the job done lifestyle, when I am approaching retirement and want a touring associate).
*As the romance is not only age-differentiated, but racially-combined, I fear that family members and close friends will disapprove.
Concluding Remarks: On Interactions
As you can see, all the “downsides” are primarily based on speculation, projection, fear, dread. By distinction, all the “professionals” are primarily based on reality, rational thought, economical and societal feasibility.
Tina Turner wrote, “What’s enjoy acquired to do with it?” Definitely this strike song flies in the encounter of our cherished, Americanized sights of enjoy, sexual intercourse, romance and marriage. But it was a strike song nonetheless, and it is made up of a counterintuitive, if liberating truth of the matter – a truth of the matter that I have been noticing, steadily, of late : Love, in itself, will not make for a effective, content romance.
Ray Charles most likely explained it greatest:
“I acquired a woman, way in excess of city, that’s superior to me. Oh yea! She provides me dollars, when I am in have to have! Oh, she’s a form friend, a friend certainly! I acquired a woman, way in excess of city, that’s superior to me. Oh yeah!”
–Ray Charles, from I Obtained A Girl
Now, I realize that my statements may well offend your ethical sensibilities. I recognize that some of you are “ethical idealists.” But I am not. I am a philosophical practitioner [http://gnosisarts.com/nj-philosophical-practitioner.html], a businessman, a computer programmer. In other phrases, I request the truth of the matter as it is, not as I would like it to be. Albert Camus once remarked that “truth of the matter, whilst crushing, liberates.”
Take into account these romance details:
The divorce level in The usa is amid the best in the planet (all over fifty two%). The the greater part of American marriages finish in divorce. I am particular that most of these couples who divorced participated in a wedding ceremony in which they said their undying enjoy for one another. Pretty much all these couples would say they married due to the fact they “loved one another.”
QED: The Beatles were completely wrong: enjoy, by itself, is not all we have to have.
Surveys report that couples from arranged marriages, by distinction, have a incredibly lower divorce level. Even though we can normally say that this has additional to do with religious or social variables, these types of a assert is not conclusive and does not improve the reality that these couples stay together.
Furthermore, some studies report that couples from arranged marriages have larger marital satisfaction premiums than couples from picked marriages. Anecdotal proof would seem to recommend that this may well be due to the fact the few from an arranged marriage grows to enjoy one another, steadily in excess of time that the determination to keep the partnership precedes the (intimate) enjoy that produced the partnership. Also, the high-quality of enjoy that develops in arranged marriages in excess of time is typically richer, additional secure, much less affected by psychological swings and much less impacted by economical or health and fitness hardships.
QED: Mary J. Blige’s assertion was incorrect: Love isn’t all we have to have.
What I am coming to think is that we’d all stand a much better opportunity of acquiring a content, effective, prolonged-long lasting marriage, if we just take the “intimate enjoy” variable out of the equation when selecting a mate. Regrettably, the odds are from you if you think that enjoy, by itself, will maintain a marriage and, as my momma normally says: Quantities do not lie.
But we People, like chronic people who smoke, who think that “it will not happen to me” as they enjoy a close friend die of lung cancer say the same factor with respect to divorce: “It will not happen to me we’re intended to be we enjoy each other we are going to be together endlessly.” Of study course, we say this as we enjoy, time and all over again, the the greater part of couples all over us splitting up left and correct. Plainly, our perception that “enjoy will retain us together” would seem to be very little additional than wishful imagining.
Lt. McCaffey: “I want the truth of the matter!”
Col. Jessup: “You can’t cope with the truth of the matter!”
—A Handful of Very good Guys